Wow, some interesting thoughts, what to say about that...
First of all, I am not gay, so I can't really speak as somebody who's in on the issue, but I can surely tell that "Born this Way" is certainly neither my aesthetical or political thing.
I think the problem that you describe has less to do with "like the heterosexuals" than a stance of positioning (yet, as can be observed from the 40s on, hipster culture has emulated gay culture ever since it became a sub-culture in terms of style and aesthetics).
In this respect... Hmm... I know what you mean about Querelle, but then one has to ask what homosexuality is. Is it sleeping with another man or loving another man? Is it identifying with homosexuality or is it identifying with yourself? If we take Fassbinder's word at face value, maybe the work was actually not meant as an observation of homosexuality, but what Fassbinder perceived to be the identity crisis of those drawn to men at one point in their lives or another (after all Querelle himself says he isn't gay and only has sex with men because he likes the "felling" of it, if I recall).
Either way, I think what we can agree on, one way or another, is that there was more filmed than was shown in the done film. The question is if Lorenz cut the film and the producers handed in a sheet that it was meant to be as long as it is now without Fassbinder caring, or if he actually saw it "finished" as a long cut, and only cut it on the prod's behalf, as Lorenz claims. I guess the truth is probably in-between, and ends up near to Eyes Wide Shut (a film released in a slightly rougher cut than what it might have been).